There Is No Life Without You
by PinkTeaRose
Summary: Julia cannot live without Reese. She doesn't want to. Darkfic, Sex, self-harm, and death. Slightly OOC. M.
1. Chapter 1

**I'm not even going to try and explain my lack of updates. But just know that I've had a really tough time lately, and I hope to get back into the swing of things soon.**

**This is a dark fiction with mention of self harm and death.**

**xxxxxxx**

Walking around the Sugarbaker home, one notices first the décor.

The lamps are ornate and beautiful. Tassels in gold and red hang from various fixtures. A small chandelier takes up residence in the center of the ceiling.

In the foyer, there are small yet meaningful pictures of a little boy running around the backyard, a tanned man holding up a fish next to his son, a beautiful woman holding the same boy's hand on his first day to school.

The staircase is impressive, wooden, winding, and shiny sleek. The walls flanking the staircase have pictures as well.

The man's pictures stay the same- he is ageless. Deceased. This is Hayden McIlroy, the first husband.

The boy, however, is clearly growing quickly, and his portraits morph from a blonde toddler into a scrawny preteen to a dashing senior in his cap and gown. This is the McIlroy boy, Payne.

And then there is the woman of the house. She barely shows her age, and the only indicator that time has passed is her slightly changing hairstyles and clothing choices. This is the Queen of the castle. The ideal Southern Belle. The Terminator. Julia Sugarbaker McIlroy. But she goes by her maiden name now.

The furniture is obviously expensive. They show their wear and tear of the years, and the sofa sitting in the middle of the room has a curious indention on the farthest end. This is Suzanne's seat, and she is Julia's only sister.

But unlike most houses, this one holds a business as well. The two desks on the bottom floor indicate as much. But that is the present, and our focus is the past.

The kitchenette looks more like an office break room than that of a house. On the countertop are a jar of peanut butter and a can of crackers, evidence of a late afternoon snack.

The evening sun floods the room with light, and the beams shoots out rays from the floor to ceiling windows on the westerly wall. Often Julia and Hayden sat here after a long day of chasing after their son. The atrium holds bittersweet memories for the mature woman. She can barely stand to look at it without tears threatening to sneak out of her hazel eyes.

But as the sun sets, so must lives. And so it was for Hayden, who died when Payne had only reached the tender age of fifteen. Like a glass shattered into a million pieces, so was Julia's heart.

Recovery is never easy, or quick, and it would take years for her soul to feel any sort of repair. At least, not until she'd met Reese. A lawyer with an attitude to match hers, she'd fallen in love before she'd had the chance to blink.

The master bedroom, which had just recently been redone, was bathed in a gentle blue hue as the last glimmers of sunlight bounced off the sea colored walls. The effect was calming, mesmerizing, just as was Reese's sailboat, _The Atlanta Atlantic_, had been. Being out on the waves made her feel alive again. She couldn't describe the sensation of sailing, but she knew that it was akin to flying, gliding, and soaring. Completely euphoric, completely mesmerizing.

On the dresser sits a miniature of the small boat, and beside it, a portrait of Reese and Julia sitting on the crystal shores of Southern Georgia. The photo was taken just weeks before Reese had died.

Julia, having been embarrassed at the fashion show by mooning Atlanta, had been wary of wearing any sort of skimpy outfit. The first week out on the boat, she had refused to take off her linen pants and a one-piece suit had covered her torso. She was mortified when Reese had woken her up Friday morning and held a navy blue bikini in his hand. She reluctantly put on the suit, but as more and more people on the beach began looking her way and after receiving several catcalls from men of all ages, she felt confident enough to snap a photo. This was the picture that now resided in her bedroom.

As she lay down in bed, a tear escaped her hazel eyes.

This house held too many memories.

She had married Hayden here. She had brought Payne home from the hospital and laid him in a crib beside her bed. She had made love to Reese for the first time here.

That ceiling above her bed now held painful memories of sleepless days and nights, endless grief and bitter tears. She couldn't sleep in that bed without wishing Reese was there- he was the one who had picked it out in the first place. When she walked around upstairs, she could hear the music of the past… hear Payne's little footsteps hitting the hardwood floor… hear Hayden call out, "Mrs. McIlroy! Your breakfast awaits!"… Hear Suzanne come bursting in after a fight with one of her husbands… Hear Reese open the door late at night after a long day at court and whisper, "Hey Sassy,"….

The past. That was what she needed escape from. Not a building, a bed, a ceiling… but her own painful past.

Hugging the pillow, she didn't dare hope for restful slumber. She just hoped sheer exhaustion would throw her into some dreamless plane that would last until morning.

Her frame, which looked best at around 120-130 pounds, had dropped down to a skeletal 116. Her hip bones showed through her business suits, and the shoulders of her jackets no longer fitted perfectly on her frame.

Her cheekbones, which were already quite pronounced, were even more so, and her face was beginning to look haunted.

Her hair was curly and unkempt. Unable to leave her house, she'd let it grow out. Her gray roots were in need of care.

The mature side of her knew that she had to pull it together and keep Sugarbaker's running- after all, it wasn't just _her_ business- it was Mary Jo's, Charlene's, Suzanne's…

They had all been calling her non-stop since the funeral. For once, she was very thankful that no one had a key to the house. That way she knew no one could come barging in on her and make her start living. Not even Payne.

Her son knew how much his mother was hurting. It's hard for a heart to break twice. Truth be told, he was terrified that his mother would follow her beloved Reese to the grave. He'd begged his mother to go see a therapist, to take the pills (she had been given Xanax for the evenings and Adderall for the mornings), but the prescription remained unfilled at the pharmacy.

After the funeral, Julia had hopped into her black Buick and sped off, telling no one where she was headed.

Monette, a friend of Charlene's and a client of Sugarbaker's, ran a whore house on the northern side of Atlanta. Though opposed to her trade and her lack of feminist sympathies, Julia had known that she could take refuge in her white mansion.

_Julia carefully walked up the stairs to the large plantation home. She was calm, in control- at least on the outside. Her inside was empty. Devoid of emotion. Julia was no longer there. What was left was a hollow shell of a woman. A fifty year old woman who had loved twice and had been left alone in this cruel, ugly world. _

_She knocked on the door three times. _

_Heels clicked from somewhere inside and the door swung open. _

"_Mrs. Sugarbaker what a sur-"_

"_Look, Monette. I'm not here for a conversation. I'm here to forget. Let me be one of your girls tonight. Please."_

"_Mrs. Sugarbaker, I can't-"_

"_Please," her resolve was cracking. "Please. Help me forget him."_

_Monette could see the desperation in the dark eyes. _

"_Fine. Up the stairs, first door on the left. There'll be something in the closet."_

_Julia nodded and went inside. She tried to keep her head held high as she climbed up the marble stairs. At the top of the floor, a blonde woman stood smoking a cigarette. _

"_Cig?" The woman asked, not even blinking, not caring that she'd never seen this woman in her life. _

"_Yes." Julia replied. _

_The blonde opened a silver case and handed her a Parliament. Julia put it in her mouth and leaned into the flame. She inhaled the acrid smoke, reminded of her days at art school when she'd sneak out back with the dark Italian men studying abroad at her college. _

"_Drink?" _

_Julia nodded again, and the woman disappeared behind a door. She returned with a flask. "It's Jack Daniels." _

"_Thanks."_

"_I'm Rose." _

_Julia almost said her name, but thought better of it. "I'm Martha." _

_The blonde gave a small, sad smile and went back into her room. Julia turned and took a deep drag as she opened the door to her assigned place. _

_The room was a good size. A king bed sat in the middle. The walls were a pale brown and the sheets were beige silk. She turned to the closet and opened the door. Inside was a black lace and silk robe as well as a box of condoms. _

_She stripped and placed her clothes on the hangers and slipped into the robe. Grabbing a few foil squares, she switched off the lights and crawled into bed. _

_Perhaps thirty minutes later… maybe an hour… the door creaked open and a tall man came into the room. Julia could make out his silhouette. Six feet perhaps? A thick head of hair (or a toupee, she couldn't tell). _

"_Hey," she rasped, her husky voice breaking the silence. _

"_Hey yourself," the man answered. His voice was not like Reese. It was deeper, softer, and not nearly as cocky. _

"_This is my first time," he whispered nervously. "I'm sorry if I-"_

"_My first time, too." Julia confessed, a small, wistful smile appeared. _

_She heard his shirt fall to the ground. She sat up and grabbed his arm. "Nervous?" She asked, running her long fingers down his arms. She felt herself grow aroused at the presence of hair. _

"_Yes," he breathed, leaning into her touch, moving his face so it was inches from hers. The moonlight shone on their faces, and their eyes met. She was shocked to see icy blue eyes peering into hers. She was also surprised by how clean this man was. His face was shaven, his hair was clearly styled and not cut. She wondered if Monette sent her this man on purpose, or perhaps she just kept good clients._

"_Me too," she confessed. She smiled again and closed her eyes. He leaned in, closing the gap, and kissed her gently. It wasn't a man and a hooker. It was two terrified adults in need of release, of contact, of physical affection… two people who were absolutely petrified at the thought of being alone._

_She breathed in and took note of his aftershave. Not like Reese's. Not like Anthony's. Not like Hayden's. Good, a new smell. She'd caught a whiff of it before… at the Country Club? Perhaps it was Cissie's husband Alan…_

_She broke the kiss. "I'm Vera." _

"_I'm David."_

"_Really?"_

"_No."_

"_Me either." _

_Their lips crashed together in mutual understanding. His hands went around Julia's back as her hands traveled down his chest towards his pants. Her back arched as she felt his erection growing stronger against her inner thigh, and her slender fingers worked furiously on his fly. _

_His hands came around front and untied her robe. They were soft. Not like Reese's hands that had been made rough from summers spent on the sea. He traced the gentle lines of her stomach, running his thumbs under her breasts where her ribs peeked out. _

_With the zipper down, she pushed his pants and underwear down together. She brought up her legs and used her toes to finish ridding him of his trousers. _

_She reached down and grabbed his manhood and gasped at its size. _

Oh Lord, _she thought. _I'm gonna feel this in the morning.

_David brought his hands up to cup her breasts and began pinching the nipples in time with their lips. His tongue sought entrance as her hand began stroking him up and down._

_He broke the kiss and moved his lips to her nipple, letting his other hand drift down between her legs. _

_Nipping and pulling at her rosebud flesh, she arched her back higher and parted her legs. His other hand found her pearl instantly, and his strong fingers began making impossibly delicious circles and shapes on the bundle of nerves._

_She felt herself growing wet, and she felt guilty for a moment. _

_But she couldn't afford that. _

_Blocking her feelings, she brought her hands up and pushed his shoulders down. Taking the hint, he released her breast and moved his mouth to the apex of her thighs. His moans filled the room as his tongue replaced his fingers, continuing the patterns of sheer pleasure. Her legs tightened and her toes curled, a blissful heat beginning deep in her core._

_His finger pressed gently against her opening, massaging the tight flesh. He would push in little by little, rubbing the sides, making her grow wetter and wetter, desperate for the grand finale. _

"_David," she pleaded. The voice that called out was unrecognizable as her own._

_He leaned up and braced his hands by her shoulders._

"_Take me," he said. She closed her eyes and grabbed his erection, placing it at her waiting entrance. _

"_Okay," she whispered. Slowly but firmly, he began to slide in, stopping when Julia couldn't help but wince and bite her lip in discomfort. _

_He didn't ask if he should stop. He just watched and waited. He knew she needed it. She knew she needed it. She knew he needed it. _

_Finally he was completely in her, and she sighed out of fulfillment. But she couldn't stay still and she nodded her head and rocked her hips. _

_Needing nothing further, he pulled out halfway and pushed back in, hitting her innermost wall and making her moan. _

_Again, again, again, each time going deeper and harder than before. She hissed in pain and pleasure as her climax began taking over. She felt that tingling in her legs… the tightening of her walls… she couldn't breathe, she couldn't think… Release was so close… _

_She screamed out as her body convulsed, her legs bending up towards her chest and her back arching painfully off the bed. Her eyes were clenched shut and her fists strangled the sheets. _

_He rode her out for all she was worth, and when she was done, he pulled out and excused himself to the bathroom to finish. _

_Julia was thankful for this thoughtfulness. She had completely forgotten the condom. _

_She lay there on her back and let her hand touch her "pretty." She felt her wetness, and felt the bruises begin on her thin hips. She breathed in and out… deep cleansing breaths… and tried to regain her strength. _

_David returned after a few minutes and came around to Julia. _

"_Vera, thank you." _

"_Thank you."_

"_Who are you forgetting?" He asked quietly._

_Julia brought herself up and wrapped the sheet around her. "My lover. My soulmate. My second chance."_

_David nodded._

"_You?"_

_He looked out the window into the beams of the moon. "My wife and daughter. Drunk driver."_

_He got up and put back on his clothes in silence. Julia closed her eyes and brought her knees to her chest. The world was so unfair. So, so, unfair. _

"_Vera? Just try and survive. Live for someone else if you can't live for yourself." _

_She looked up, but he was already out the door, the latch clicking shut, leaving her completely and utterly alone. _

_Xxxxxxxx_

No matter how many glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon she poured herself each night, she couldn't forget her night at Monette's.

She felt guilty, dirty… she felt like a slut. But she couldn't bring herself to regret it or wish it didn't happen. And that ate at her soul, too.

Julia felt weak and dizzy. Just sitting up in bed caused the room to spin and her heart to pound. She needed to eat. She was going to die if she didn't. But she just couldn't.

Moving to the bathroom, she opened the medicine cabinet and withdrew a box of matches. Striking one, she lit the candles in the middle of the counter.

There was a small chair at the far end of the large master bathroom. Reese would sit here in the morning and put on his socks and shoes. Julia would sit there when she had complicated little buckles on her heels.

She moved to the chair and sat down. Reaching underneath the seat, she grabbed a small black box. Inside sat a razor, leftover from the last box Hayden had purchased.

It was shiny, new. She had to throw away the last one. It had grown dull.

Picking it up, she rotated the objects in her fingers, letting the cool metal soothe her.

Julia lifted her leg and placed it on the edge of the bathtub. Pulling up her robe, she looked at the angry red lines on her upper thigh.

She looked up at the heavens and cursed God for taking Reese, for letting her hurt like this, for shattering her heart again and again and again….

Tears slipped out of her beautiful, sad eyes and she looked down at her shaking hands.

"Lord, give me strength," she cried softly, her hand falling onto her leg, reopening the cut on her leg. She sighed with release and smiled, her hand moving again, opening the second cut. Then a third. A fourth. A fifth.

The red liquid ran out of the fresh wounds and dripped onto the white tile below.

She placed the razor back and closed the lid.

Leaning back in her chair, she bathed in the blood and pain, and prayed that she wouldn't live another day.


	2. Chapter 2

She opened her eyes. She was sorely disappointed when she realized the white she was seeing was not, in fact, the pearly gates of Heaven, but the white floor and walls of her bathroom.

She had survived another night. Goddamn it.

Groaning, she rolled her neck and heard the little pops of her tired joints. Julia looked down. Long, burgundy dried rivers of blood went down her thin legs, and the cuts had once again scabbed over.

She tried to stand up, but the blood rushed to her head. Sitting back down she closed her eyes and tried to will the pounding away. When it eased, she gingerly stood up, crouching, and made her way to the tub. She sat on the side and cut on the water.

The faucet turned, and boiling hot water erupted. Maybe if she couldn't bleed to death, maybe she could cook to death.

She was ashamed of her cutting. It was a silly, foolish, childish thing to do. She picked up the habit during her college years when the boys had taken advantage of her and the girls had abandoned her. All these long years later and she still hadn't been able to shake the deep desire to cut her porcelain flesh. Only Reese and Hayden knew about it. She wondered what they were thinking now.

When the tub was full, Julia cut off the water and eased her fragile body into the water. She inhaled sharply as the water burned her skin. But because her arms were so weak, she had no choice but to lower herself in anyway.

The water stung her cuts and the hue of the bath quickly turned pink as the blood came away from her skin.

She closed her eyes as her fingers rubbed over the wounded flesh, carefully wiping away the excess blood but never being hard enough to open up the cuts.

She turned her head and squinted at the clock. 5:18 am. She had entered the bathroom at 2:30. Ok, so perhaps two hours of sleep. Good.

Julia laughed at herself. Two hours of sleep was pathetic.

When the water began cooling and the steam had stopped rising up the surface, she reluctantly got out and wrapped herself with a towel.

Moving to the vanity, she grabbed a clip and fastened her stringy hair away from her face and neck.

She half-heartedly did a small toilette- brushing her teeth, mouthwash, and deodorant. She didn't want to smell bad.

Screw makeup. She didn't care that her skin was oily, that she had bags under her eyes, that her lips were chapped, that her eyebrows were messy, or that her eyelashes were bare. She didn't care at all.

She could have walked down the streets of Atlanta and no one would know they'd just passed the famous Julia Sugarbaker.

Julia switched off the lights and returned to her bedroom. She didn't even want to get new clothes from the closet. That would mean brushing Reese's clothes aside, and she couldn't bear to smell him on the starched fabric.

Opening a draw, she pulled out yoga pants and a large workout T-shirt that was three sizes too big.

Forgoing shoes, she shuffled downstairs. Looking down onto the floor below, her heart ached. It looked frozen in time: unopened letters sat on Charlene's desk, a lone compact sat beside Suzanne's seat on the couch, and Mary Jo's desk had a drawing of a room sitting on the corner.

Her answering machine flicked on and off, the red light reminding her that there was indeed a world outside of her home.

Home? Prison…

Without really listening to the messages, she hit the button and let them play as she headed into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water.

The water was perhaps the only thing keeping her alive. She debated not drinking it.

_Beep: Hey there, Julia. It's Mary Jo…. Hey…. How are you? I mean, are you okay?... uh, I mean… Julia… I love you…. And you know if you ever need anything, you know you can call me… okay… well bye…. _

_Beep: Julia. It's Suzanne. Normally I'd tell you to snap out of it and pull it together, but I don't know if you can this time. Promise me you're taking care of yourself, even if you won't talk to anyone. I need a big sister, you know? So… I'm just gonna go now, okay? _

_Beep: Mama? It's Payne…. Please take your medicine. Go talk to someone. I love you. Bye. _

_Beep: Julia? Juliaaaa? It's Charlene! Call me, okay? Or else Imma come over there! Okay I'm really not, but you know this is just like that time back in high school when me and my brother Odell… Nevermind. I know you hate those stories. Ok. Well, bye then. _

_Beep: This is Doctor Avery's secretary, calling to say you missed your physical yesterday morning at 9:30. If you'd like to reschedule, please give us a call. You will be billed $45 for missing the appointment. Give us a call- 555-343-5678._

_Beep: END OF MESSAGES._

Julia hung her head down and closed her eyes. She knew that all of them were right. She had to call them eventually. Had to face the world without him. Had to pull it together for her son.

She needed to go see a therapist.

She drank the icy water and felt it run down the back of her throat. There was something so cleansing about water. Perhaps she ought to go to the beach for a few days.

But the beach would mean a bathing suit. A blue bikini. A boat. Reese.

She quickly forgot that idea.

Julia stared off into space.

A knock came at the door. She glanced at the clock. 8 am.

"Julia? Julia, it's Anthony."

Crouching down, she hid behind the counter.

"Julia, Imma count to five and you're gonna open this door!"

She waited for the countdown to begin, but it never did. After a moment or two, she saw Anthony's outline retreat and she heard the sound of the van driving away.

Boy. She must be had off if Anthony had given up on her. How many mornings had he been by to see her? Two weeks? Three weeks?

Guilt began to consume her again. Three weeks without a paycheck for those hardworking women who had given so much of themselves for this business.

Unable to face them, Julia decided that perhaps it was time to see a doctor.

Her problems were beginning to spiral. She didn't want to leave her son just yet. But she didn't want to live either.

Picking up the phone, her hands shook as she dialed information.

"_Information." _

"Yes, could you connect me to the office of Dr. Garner? He's a doctor with Atlanta Psychiatry."

"_One moment."_

_Beep. Beep._

_Ring. Ring. _

"_Dr. Garner's office. Would you like to make an appointment?"_

Julia took a deep breath. "Yes, I would."

"_Tomorrow? We have a 3pm and a 4:30."_

"3 is fine."

"_Name?"_

"Julia Sugarbaker."

Xxxxxxxx

Julia curled back into bed and opened the drawer to her bedside table. Inside sat a small leather box that contained a brilliant Tiffany engagement ring. It was white gold with three circular diamonds on top.

Reese had purchased it a week before his death. It was given to Julia after his children went through his belongings in the bank's lock box. On it was a note that said, "_To my Southern Belle, my Jewel, my Julia. Be mine forever?"_

They had planned to go sailing the following weekend. She had almost been Mrs. Reese Watson.

She pulled out the ring and slipped it on her finger. Hugging it to her chest, she regretted not marrying that man when she had the chance. He'd slipped through her fingers faster than the Atlantic sand.

Tears pushed against her eyes and she quickly jumped up and ran to the bathroom.

No more crying, she told herself. No more.

She sat down in the chair and reached down for her razor.

Xxxxxxx

Julia sat anxiously in the seat across from Dr. Garner. She had gotten some strange looks on the elevator ride up to his office.

She smirked to herself. Two months ago, she would have turned her nose up at herself, too. She despised women who wore workout clothes when they were not, in fact, working out.

But no way was she venturing into the closet.

She crossed her legs and tucked her ankle behind her foot. She was safe; she was grounded.

"Mrs. Sugarbaker, it's clear to me that you're depressed."

"No shit, Sherlock." Julia tried to sound light. It didn't work.

"Yes, well, depression is manageable with medicines. People deal with it all the time. I also think you have anxiety as well, so we'll put you on something that addresses that as well."

"Oh." That was all she could muster.

"But these medicines have risks as well. There's this thing called a Black Box warning. It basically means that sometimes the medicine causes you to have more suicidal thoughts. Now, since you haven't reported any symptoms, I feel that this won't be a problem."

Julia nodded and forced a smile. _Oh, buddy, do I ever have suicidal thoughts. _

"Are we done?" She asked.

"Yes ma'am." He grabbed a pad from his desk and scribbled out her prescription.

"We're going to start you on Paxil. Take one of these every night." He ripped off that sheet and wrote on another. "This is a refill for your Xanax and Adderall."

"Thank you." She said. _Dear Lord, I'm going to be just like mother. Dependent on drugs for everything. _

Julia grabbed the prescriptions and headed to the door.

"Mrs. Sugarbaker?"

"Yes?"

"I am a psychiatrist. I am not a therapist nor a psychologist. You need to find one, Mrs. Sugarbaker, and talk to them. Also, my cell phone is on that sheet. Call me immediately if you're experiencing those Black Box symptoms."

"Yes sir. Thank you."

She turned the knob and headed out.

Xxxxxxxxx


	3. Chapter 3

Xxxxx

"_Reese Watson you stop that right now!" Julia commanded with a big grin on her face. He was infuriating, really. They were on a public beach for heaven's sake!_

"_You like it," he crooned, his distinct voice sending shivers down her spine. "You look so damn good in that bikini. Mmmmhm, yes ma'am. Those legs. That stomach. Those breasts…." He leaned down and kissed her collarbone._

"_Reese! Stop!" _

"_Back to the boat!" He decided, hopping up out of the chair and extending his hand to his lover. "Leave the chairs here, we don't need em!" _

_They had ran like newlyweds back onto their sailboat. Julia practically jumped into the hole leading down to the bunks. Reese wasn't far behind. _

_As his feet landed behind hers, Julia felt his hands grab her waist and spin her around. "Oh, Mrs. Sugarbaker," he moaned, and fell to his knees. _

"_Yes?" She asked, raising her eyebrow and letting her Southern drawl linger in the air. _

"_May I?" He asked gently, his fingers pulling on her bottoms. _

_Julia smirked and nodded. Needing no more encouragement, Reese pulled the bottom wear off completely. Stepping out of the suit, Julia draped one long leg over her lover's shoulder. _

_Reese inhaled deeply and leaned in. Julia's eyes fluttered shut as delicious sensations rippled through her body. _

_Xxxxxxxxxxx_

Julia jerked awake. The bedside clock showed 4:41 am. Only an hour of sleep this time.

She hated sleeping. Hated it. With sleep always came dreams of Reese, and each time she woke up from her reveries her heart broke all over again.

The lamp on the table still shone brightly in the room- but not bright enough to keep Julia awake.

She banged her fist against the bed and moved to stand up. She promptly grew dizzy. Grabbing the trashcan, she fell to the floor as her body threw up nothing but bile. There was nothing left to throw up anymore.

When the spell passed, she stood up and made her way to the bathroom.

To the chair.

To the box.

And to the razor.

Now instead of five neat lines she had ten, and the ones closest to her hips were deep and ugly. This was week three of cutting.

She had started off just doing it in the mornings and at night. But now she was coming to the bathroom every hour or so. Her legs throbbed constantly when the wounds closed, but when the blood started flowing, her body grew numb.

The prescriptions for the pills lay forgotten in her purse.

She didn't need them. She had all she needed right here.

With a swipe and a little pressure… a sting… then blood… release. That was all she needed.

Xxxxxxxxxx

A loud banging came from the front door. Julia opened her eyes to find herself passed out on the bathroom floor, again. Blood coated her leg.

"JULIA! JULIA OPEN THIS DOOR!" It was Suzanne. No way.

"Julia, PLEASE come down!" Mary Jo.

Dear god. Had they all come to see her?

She made her way to the window and peered down. She was slightly relieved to see that only Mary Jo and her sister were at the front door.

Turning to go bury herself under the covers, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror.

She instantly wished she hadn't, for the face that stared back blankly into her brown eyes was not her own. It was the face of a woman who was haunted by her past, a woman who loathed living in the present, and a woman who wouldn't make it to the future.

Her heart began to race and her head flooded with heat. Panic attack.

Now frantic, she rushed to the bathroom door and clicked the lock. Grabbing the chair, she shoved it under the doorknob so prevent anyone from getting in.

She picked up the razor again and sat down in the bathtub, drawing red line after red line in an effort to keep the oncoming attack at bay.

For a few more minutes… hell, it could have been a few more hours…. The banging continued and then it fell silent. Tears ran down Julia's face as she looked out the window and saw their forms retreat.

She felt so weak and pathetic.

Closing her eyes, she breathed deeply and willed her thoughts away…

Xxxxxxx

"_Julia!" Reese called out. "Julia, damn it, where's my shirt?" _

_Silence. "Julia!"_

_From behind him came a small chuckle, and his beautiful lover stood in the doorway wearing only his shirt. _

"_This?" She asked, feigning innocence. _

_Reese smirked and walked toward her. When he stood not an inch from her face, he whispered, "You're gonna have to take that off." _

"_You're gonna have to take it offa me." She replied with a cocky grin. _

_He smiled broadly and moved his hands forward. Goosebumps rose on Julia's skin as his rough yet gentle hands stroked her soft stomach. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back, exposing her breasts to her lover's eyes. Reese didn't hesitate to take one rosy nipple into his mouth, making Julia moan and thread her fingers through his hair. _

_With his other hand he traced patterns on her back, around to her hips, dipping down into her wet center. _

_She inhaled sharply as two fingers began making circles on her clit. Biting her lips, she smiled as she felt his erection press against her leg. _

_Xxxxxxxx_

She was vaguely aware of ringing in the distance. Ringing? From what?

Opening her eyes, she found herself curled unnaturally in the bathtub. It must have been early evening, for the sun shining in had an orange tint.

The ringing continued, and she made her way to the landing to hear the answering machine.

_Beep. "Mama, it's Payne."_

Damn it. She had to pick up.

Julia turned around and dashed back into the bedroom. Hands trembling, she grabbed the receiver.

She tried to sound light and happy. "Payne! Darlin! How are you?"

"Nice try. I talked to Aunt Suzanne."

"Oh, you know how she is…"

"Yes I do, Mama, and I know that she wouldn't be so worried about you if something wasn't wrong."

Julia sighed. "I'm fine, really. I just want to be alone."

"Have you eaten?"

"Sure,"

"What?"

Julia sighed again. "Payne. I'm fine."

"Take your medicine."

She knew she ought to say she loved him. Ought to reassure him. But unable to formulate the words, she let the phone fall back onto the cradle.

Before she could even breathe she was wracked with sobs. She was falling apart at the seams and she knew that she was just on the brink… just at the threshold of the point of no return.

She knew it. But she still couldn't fight it.

Julia launched herself into motion, blindly stumbling to her sacred little box.

As she gripped the instrument in her hand, she noticed for perhaps the first time in her life how vividly the veins in her arms protruded beneath her alabaster skin.

And she wondered to herself how those lines of blue would look intertwined with red. Raising her eyes to the light of the window, she lifted her left arm until it came into full view. She took a deep breath and placed the silver square at the base of her palm. And in perfect sync with the desperate exhalation of air from her lungs, the razor cut a flawless line from wrist to elbow.

Xxxxxxxxx


	4. Chapter 4

Charlene stood in her kitchen trying to figure out how to work the new microwave. She felt a chill run down her spine. Her Mama would have said someone was walkin' over her grave. But she knew the feeling didn't have anything to do with her at all.

Xxxxxx

Mary Jo was bent over, trying to twist the towel around her dripping hair. She stood up and felt dizzy. The room began to spin. She closed her eyes and saw nothing but red, and her heart- for a brief moment- ceased to beat.

Xxxxxx

Suzanne tried to be reasonable with Julia. She had been with her through Hayden, hadn't she? But this was something different; the hope that Reese had so carefully restored had been shattered. Julia was, once again, completely alone. And this time, Suzanne was absolutely terrified, because she knew her sister might not ever recover.

Xxxxxx

Anthony paced about his tiny apartment. No one had heard from Julia in two weeks. Enough was enough. With one swift movement, he picked up his phone. He paused for a moment, for the sound over the line was not that of an empty signal.

"_ANTHONY!" _Suzanne belted over the line.

"Suzanne? I was just about to-"

"_Anthony, I don't care. You need to come over here and take me to Julia's. I've had enough. I'm breaking down that door!" _

xxxxxxx

Payne was sensually removing his wife's clothes- mind a million miles away from his dramatic mother back East.

As she aged, she overreacted over everything. He wished she would just suck it up for a while. The phone rang and he sprang up, pissed at the unfortunate timing.

"What?" He asked tersely.

"_Payne, it's Mary Jo Shively. Payne, honey, your Mama-"_

"Look, Mary Jo, if she's being over dramatic and refusing to eat again, I don't want to hear it."

"_Payne. Your Mother's in the hospital. She's been admitted for attempted suicide."_

Xxxxxxxx

Anthony and Suzanne sped down the boulevard towards the Sugarbaker house. She thought she saw a cop start to pull out after them, but Anthony had already whipped the Mercedes into the driveway. Hopping out, Suzanne grabbed the shovel in the back seat.

"Back door!" She called to Anthony, and the pair ran to the back.

Suzanne, slightly winded, cried, "OK! Now break the door!"

"Suzanne, you break that door! I am not dealing with Julia if she is fine and we jus' broke a door for no reason!"

"ARRRRGH!" She screamed, yanking the shovel from off the ground. She raised it behind her head and crashed it into the glass French doors, glass and wood splintering and breaking, crashing down to the floor inside.

"JULIA!"

xxxxxxx

Mary Jo heard the phone ring before it rang. Picking it up, she felt her heart sink with dread.

"Shively residence,"

"_Mary Jo, it's Anthony. We just saw Julia. She ain't doin' too good."_

"What do you mean?"

"_From the looks of it, she took a razor to her arm. I'll call Charlene. You call Payne."_

The line went dead.

Xxxxxxxx

"_Charlene? It's Mary Jo. Pick up, please. Please pick-"_

"_I'm here!"_

"_Charlene… it's Julia…."_

"_What happened?"_

"_She tried to… She in the hospit…."_

"_She tried to what? Mary Jo, you're scaring me!"_

"_Suicide, Charlene. Suicide."_

Xxxxxxxx

The ambulance driver pressed his foot to the pedal, flying past the buildings of downtown Atlanta. He had gone to school with Julia. The girl that had walked around like a Queen in Spanish Lace did not deserve to die like this. He urged the vehicle faster in a race against the clock. He tried to ignore the voices of his colleagues.

Xxxxxxx

"_She's lost too much blood…."_

"_Pressure!"_

"_No! She didn't cut a main vein or artery! Look!"_

"_Close the wound!"_

"_Pressure! Come on, man!"_

"_Why is there so much blood?" _

"_Stay with me, Julia!" _

xxxxxxx

The doctor stepped into the ER Operating Room and made a beeline for the thin woman on the table.

Her arm was badly sliced; she had lost a lot of blood.

The flow of blood shut off as the nurse tightened the tourniquet in a last-effort attempt to save this woman's life. Thank goodness the sister had come in with her- they were a match for blood transfusions.

Dr. Hadley grabbed his tools and began making sutures on the woman's arm.

"Her name?" He asked, eyes and mind still locked on the task at hand.

"Julia Sugarbaker."

"Designer?"

"Yes sir."

He felt his heart pound faster, but years of training kept his face, eyes, and hands steady. Thank goodness she didn't dig in, because she was only millimeters from her Radial Artery. He carefully and slowly pulled the skin together and threaded the filament, piercing the porcelain skin as tenderly as if it were a sacred artifact.

As the skin came together, he ordered, "Hot." And a small laser fired into the wound, cauterizing it shut. The doctor winked his left eye as confirmation and started the next stitch...

…"Hot."

… Another stitch.

… "Hot."

Xxxxxxxxx

Julia's mind registered a floating sensation akin to sailing. She knew she wasn't sailing, though, because there was no salt in the air. Was there air? Was she even breathing?

She didn't know and she didn't care. She was warm.

Her body was absent; only her mind existed on the planes of this world.

The calm blackness that surrounded her began to turn to a deep purple. The purples soon merged to violet, plum, royal blue…

Her mind then registered pain. Particularly on her left side.

Julia's universe burst into a brilliant white light, sterile and harsh to her hurting mind.

She smelled blood, alcohol, rubber….

"_There's a pulse, Dr. Hadley…"_

"_Then send her to recovery and put some ice on that arm. And for God's sake put some food in her."_

Xxxxxxxxx

All of the women, plus Anthony, were crowded around the ICU waiting room. The doctors wouldn't allow them in.

Suzanne felt funny about the hospital protocols for suicide patients. The families were not allowed in unless the patient gave written consent. Apparently in many cases the families were the cause of the suicidal actions.

That puzzled Suzanne. She had always been there for Julia.

Charlene was beside herself. She had been crying since she'd gotten the phone call.

Anthony stayed quiet with Suzanne. He was holding her fur coat as if it were shield to all he sickness around him.

Mary Jo just paced around in small circles. She'd called Claudia twice to tell her how much she loved her and how she could tell her if she was depressed or anything of the sort…

They all decided not to tell Bernice. Too fragile already. She didn't need to worry about her "daughter" Julia.

Perky had been told. She was considering flying home. She, like Payne, thought Julia was being overly dramatic.

Xxxxxxxxxx


	5. Chapter 5

The first thing Julia saw when she woke to consciousness was white- but it wasn't the white of her bathroom. No, this white was harsher. She shut her eyes again quickly.

Then she noticed the smell. Antiseptic. Clean. Alcohol. Rubber.

She focused her tired, groggy mind on the sounds. Hushed voices. Faint beeping. A drip.

There was a dry penny taste in her mouth. Her head felt like she'd been drinking whiskey all night.

She tried to remember how she got here… what brought her here…

_Payne calling… _

"_Take your meds"… _

_Tears… crying… _

_Bathroom…. Tub…_

_White…_

_The glint of silver in the moon…_

_The almost silent sound of parting skin (rrrrrrrrippppppp)… _

Forcing her eyes open in a tight squint, she looked down at her left arm. It wasn't just bandaged- it was in a cast made of ace bandages wrapped tightly and thickly from wrist to elbow.

She looked at the tags.

The white one read:

JULIA SUGARBAKER

DOB: 7/26/39

DOA: 5/14/87

The second white one read:

AGE: 48

HEIGHT: 5' 5"

WEIGHT: 111

The orange one read:

SUICIDE WATCH

ATTEMPTED SUICIDE

SELF-INFLICTED WOUND TO WRIST AND FOREARM

HISTORY OF DEPRESSION

The pale blue one read:

XANAX, 1mg EVERY FOUR HOURS

AMBIEN, 10mg AT 10:00pm

_Oh. Shit. _

She looked like a girl at a carnival that had gone crazy on the souvenir bracelets.

Julia could feel her panic set in. She hadn't _meant _to kill herself! Really! She had just wanted the pain to stop, wanted to peace and quiet.

As she looked toward the door, she saw a tall doctor walking in. Julia tried to close her eyes before he noticed she was, in fact, awake, but her reflexes weren't quick enough and he saw the telltale twitching of her eyelids.

"Mrs. Sugarbaker, you can't hide forever."

"Wasn't tryin' to hide…" her voice was groggy and not her own. It sounded like she'd been screaming for days.

She probably had and didn't even register it.

"I'm Dr. Hadley. I was the surgeon who saw you when you first arrived here. You decorated my house…"

"… three summers ago. Grace Hadley."

"That's my wife."

She smiled. "Mary Jo was in charge of that."

"Do you know why you're here?" He asked gently. Instead of moving to her, he grabbed the chair from the adjacent wall and pulled it beside her bed, close to her head. He flipped it backwards and straddled it. Normally she wouldn't approve of such sitting arrangements, but she was in no shape to criticize anyone.

He sat on her right side so her peripheral vision wouldn't always see her bandaged arm.

"Do I know?" She asked with a hint of puzzlement in her voice.

"Yes. Do you know the circumstances that brought you here?"

Julia shut her eyes and brought back up the snatches of memories floating beneath the surface. "From what I gather, I tried to kill myself," she said calmly.

"Is that all you remember?"

"Yes."

"The ambulance ride over?"

"No."

"In the ER?"

"No."

He peered at her, not disbelieving, just trying to assess if she was hiding something.

"What brought on your actions?"

"What do you think brought them on?" She asked, flipping the question back to him.

She didn't mean to be bitchy or snarky. The man was kind. But she didn't want to speak to this stranger just moments after regaining consciousness.

"What day is it?" she asked.

"Tuesday."

_Oh shit. Payne had called on Saturday._

"Mrs. Sugarbaker, why did you try and kill yourself?"

For the first time, she realized that her leg wasn't throbbing. Moving her hand every so slightly from her side, she felt bandages on her upper thigh.

"You found them," she breathed.

"Yes. How long has this been going on?"

"A while."

"When did you start?"

"In college."

"Most recently."

"April 21st."

"The day Reese died." He said. Not questioning, a fact. He'd been talking to someone.

"Who told you?"

"Dr. Garner."

She arched her eyebrow.

He gave a small laugh. "Did you think we wouldn't speak to your psychiatrist?"

"I suppose not."

"The cut on your arm was the first. There were no other scars. However, there were a total of 17 cuts on your legs, some of which had been healed over and reopened many times. Why the change? Cutters are creatures of habit."

Julia thought about it. Why had she cut her arm? Was her real intent dying?

"I didn't mean to…" she began.

"I know, most people don't their first time. Emphasis on _first_ time."

She gave a wistful smile.

He folded his arms on the back of the chair and waited for her response. He didn't look impatient, just a man who had all the time in the world to listen to the broken world she was trapped in- even if the world was in her head.

"Well," she began, "I started cutting in college. I… I didn't think of it as a fad… Truth be told, I was appalled when I saw something about it in a newspaper or magazine a year or so ago. Apparently young girls are doing it for attention or for a 'look' now. Sad, sad, sad." She said.

She swallowed and took a deep breath. "It wasn't anything I had read about or learned… I just started scratching my hands when I got nervous, and then one day I thought to myself, why not make it hurt worse? Why not scratch myself with a safety pin?"

He nodded. No judgment.

"I quit after I graduated because I had fallen in love with Hayden, my first husband. I miss him more than anything but I got over his death many years ago. I had to for my son."

She turned away, unable to look into Dr. Hadley's icy blue eyes. "And this time it… it hurt so much I… I… I didn't know… I couldn't do anything… And I wanted to… feel _something_… something real..."

The words were elusive.

"I needed to control something… And when I hold that razor in my hand… I hold my life… I hold my pain… No one can hurt me like I can…"

She closed her eyes. "It must have been a full moon, I suppose."

A smile crossed her lips. "The blue of my veins stood out in the pale light of the moon's beams. I thought to myself, blue and red go together so well, don't they?" She gave a small laugh. "Red, white and blue."

Tears gathered in her eyes and she looked down at the blanket. Picking at a thread, she continued. "I didn't think, I didn't even know what I was doing… I just thought… I just wanted to sleep… I wanted it to stop hurting so much… I couldn't even breathe…"

A drop rolled down her cheek. "I didn't want to die. I just wanted _him…" _

She sounded so desperate, so sad, so devoid of hope. It broke his heart.

"Do you know why I operated on you, Mrs. Sugarbaker?"

Julia snapped out of her moment and turned to face Dr. Hadley. "What?" She gathered herself. "It's your job…"

He shook his head. "No, I normally have the triage area for the walk-ins."

"Ok…" she replied, not really understanding where he was going.

"I see I've confused," he said. "Let me rephrase. I didn't have to operate on you, Mrs. Sugarbaker, but I wanted to. When your ambulance arrived, I heard your name, and I knew I had to."

"Why?" She asked. "I didn't do anything for you…"

"On the contrary, Mrs. Sugarbaker. Do you remember the first day you came to the house? You and what's-her-name?"

"Mary Jo?"

"Red head?"

"Yes."

"Yes, you and Mary Jo. Do you remember what you said when you first got there?"

Julia shook her head. "No, I don't. Did I insult you?"

He chuckled, "Well, sorta."

Julia blushed. "Oh, forgive me, then. I do it all the time."

"No, no, no… It was good. You said, 'God it's so dark and gloomy in here! Open up these windows, my goodness!'" He smiled broadly at the memory.

She smiled. "Glad I could help."

He shook his head, "But it wasn't just that Mrs. Sugarbaker." He paused. "You see, the thing is, we won the redecorating job at an auction the year before. We hadn't intended to use it, but our therapist recommended it."

"Your therapist?" She asked, confused at where this was going.

"Our son died two months before you all came to the house. We hadn't opened a single curtain since the night it happened. You brought light back into our house."

With that he stood up. "So you see, Mrs. Sugarbaker, I couldn't let you die. Because you're the one who gave me a reason to live." He leaned in and looked into her eyes. "Don't do this again, do you understand?"

Julia's heart felt as if it would burst from happiness, guilt… deep in her soul she felt the beginnings of something she had thought she'd forgotten- hope.

"I understand."

He straightened up. "Glad to have had this talk with you. You take care."

Dr. Hadley turned on his heel and walked out, leaving Julia wondering why on Earth God had put her here.

Xxxxxxx


	6. Chapter 6

_1958_

_UNIVERSITY OF NORTH CAROLINA AT CHAPEL HILL_

_XXXXXXXX_

_Julia exited her Renaissance Studies class and wrapped her scarf tight around her neck. North Carolina weather was funny. Not that Georgia didn't have its own share of ups and downs, but the Tarheel State could go from burning hot to freezing cold in a matter of hours. _

_Today she wore her black leggings with knee high boots. Her black turtleneck made her pearl necklace and red trench coat stand out. Her complexion was pure winter, and her pale skin, dark hair and red lips made her look like a porcelain doll._

_On her head she wore a slouchy toboggan with different hues of gray. _

_Her curly hair was pulled back into a perfectly messy French braid, and her nose rose up into the air as she marched forward. _

_Julia Sugarbaker owned this campus. _

_Everyone knew her. Everyone loved her. All the boys wanted to date her. All the girls were in awe of her. _

_Her mother was a beauty nut in the worst sense. She put Julia and Suzanne on strict diets as young girls because "beautiful girls are rich girls, and rich girls are happy girls." Suzanne rebelled against her mother's tight grip by sneaking food and throwing up afterwards. _

_Julia was okay with the strict diet. She was long and skinny, and it wouldn't look good on her frame to carry a lot of excess weight. As a small child she didn't realize this, of course, but by the time she'd entered middle school she was thankful her mother had insisted on organic foods. _

_She was never paranoid about what she ate, though. She knew that she could have a handful of chips or a bag full of carrots. She wanted more, so she ate the zero calorie foods. She picked salads over cheeseburgers. Salmon over steak. Vegetables over fruit. She liked having a body to be envied by the other girls because she worked every single day to get her body the way she wanted. She might have been born with a good foundation, but she was keeping her body lean and clean. _

_Running also became cathartic for Julia as she entered high school. Never super athletic, she worried that her P.E. grade would seriously wound her perfect GPA. But the coach was patient, observant, and soon convinced Julia that her long frame would make running a good exercise for her. She started out with one mile, then two, then finally her legs could do 5Ks without even thinking about it._

_Her legs finally started to get toned, her stomach lost it's baby softness, and she began to morph from little girl to striking young woman._

_High school was heaven for her. She ruled the school and had everything under control- herself included._

_Upon arriving to college, Julia found that her bright star was still attractive even at the University of North Carolina. She was quickly welcomed into the Kappa Delta sorority. She was a main competitor in the debate club. She was singing in the University Women's Choir and getting the big solos. _

_She knew college would be wonderful. _

_But her life wasn't anything to be envious of… not really. _

_She didn't know the dangers of a sweet talkin' college boy._

_His name was Harper. He was a good looking boy, five feet eleven inches tall, sandy blonde hair, green eyes, and a big winning smile. Everyone just adored him because he was so sweet and kind. Walking into the cafeteria or into a classroom, he would always make a point to say hello to the cashier or professor. _

_Julia didn't look twice at the boy because she had felt something false in his countenance and delivery. He had never noticed the thin brunette in his history class, but when she didn't even look up during his presentation, it worried him. _

_So like any boy seeking attention from the ignoring party, so Harper went chasing after Julia. _

_And he caught her, all right. _

_It was March 3__rd__ when Julia walked out of that building wearing her red jacket, gray hat, and knee high boots. She had a date that night at the frat house with Harper. _

_He assured her that what she was wearing would be completely appropriate for the party that night. _

_Checking her watch, Julia saw she had about an hour before she had to go over to the house. Sitting on the steps of the big library, she withdrew her sketchbook and began drawing._

_Xxxxxxxx_

_When the hour had passed and she felt like she'd waited long enough not to look desperate, Julia walked briskly across the quad to make her way to the frat house._

_The sky was already a purple, and the sun was making a quick exit in the cloudy sky. Her heels clicked against the sidewalk as she approached the house. _

_She climbed the stairs onto the porch, but before she could knock Hadley threw the door open. _

"_Sugarbaker!"_

"_Hi!" She replied, still a little shy around boys. _

"_Come on in, let me get you a drink."_

_Julia had been drinking ever since she was little at the Country Club, so she wasn't worried that she'd be wasted. She knew her limits._

_She walked in behind him and laid her stuff down on the sofa. Entering the kitchen, he withdrew a bottle of beer for himself and a glass of wine for her. _

_Well, after an hour into the party her glass was empty. The glass hadn't been full, but Julia could tell her head was fuzzier than it had been this morning. _

_But the feeling wasn't a drunk feeling… wasn't even a wine feeling…_

_She turned to Hadley and tried to tell him what was wrong, but she couldn't pluck up the courage. She didn't want to look stupid in front of these people. _

_Hadley seemed to notice Julia's discomfort, and he grabbed her hand and led her upstairs. _

_By the time they'd reached the landing, she was on the brink of losing consciousness. With sudden realization, she tried to wake herself back up. She'd been drugged. _

_But she was little, barely 115 pounds, not very strong, and the boys that were hiding behind the doors had no trouble taking her into the furthest room in the back and tying her to the bed. _

"_I'm going to make a woman out of you, Miz Sugarbaker," one of the Senior boys crooned to Julia. _

_She tried to cry out for Hadley, to beg him to make it stop, but his hands were duct taped, his mouth gagged, and his eyes swollen shut from a black eye. _

_Julia became a woman seven times that night._

_Xxxxxxxx_

_The next morning, Julia awoke in her room. But immediately she knew something was terribly wrong._

_Her head pounded, she felt weak, sore… _

_Memories came flooding back. Tears escaped her eyes as she finally registered the throbbing pain inside her. _

_Moving her fingers down tenderly, she felt herself. When she brought her hand up, it was covered in blood. _

_Ashamed of herself, Julia did what most frightened girls do and attempt to cover it up. Suzanne was a master at ignoring the bad- perhaps Julia could do it to._

_She tied her robe around her and ran to the bathroom. Upon entering she could see the handicapped shower was open. Julia dashed forward and slipped into the stall. _

_She undressed carefully, taking note of the bruises that covered her flesh. _

_The tears continued running down her face as she cut on the water to its lowest setting. Wincing in pain and biting her tongue to hold in her screams, she cleaned herself off and prayed they'd been decent enough to wear protection._

_She didn't keep her fingers crossed. _

_Xxxxxxxx_

_The week that followed proved pivotal in forming Julia's long term battles with depression and anxiety. _

_When nervous, she used to scratch her hands furiously until the skin rubbed raw and little spots of blood rose to the surface._

_After that night, Julia began using safety pins to cut into her skin on her thigh. She hated herself. She'd bleed the bad out of her. _

_Her weight suddenly became very important to her, and she noticed that a lot of the girls at UNC were itty bitty- five foot three and 90 pounds. _

_At five five and 116, she suddenly felt like a walrus. Her rules for eating were now twice as strict as those her mother once imposed, and on days she could get her hands on a little medical help, she wouldn't eat for days. _

_By May 1__st__, she was down to 100 pounds even. _

_Her secret cutting continued. She avoided the boys now, but she loathed herself. She felt so dirty. No guy would ever want a girl like her. _

_She put on a brave faced and smiled through the hurt. Even though her period had started on time after the incident, she still grew anxious every time the month came to an end. _

_At the start of sophomore year, Julia was 97 pounds. That's when she met Hayden._

_Then her world changed forever- she fell in love, she got married, and she had a beautiful baby boy. Her pregnancy forced her to gain weight, and she now was a slender, curvy 123. Her life was getting back together, and by the time she'd said "I do," she'd left those safety pins far, far away. _

_But on the tough days, she still felt the urge to cut herself. The urge never went away. She lived with the addiction quietly and privately. _

_She thought to herself as she went to bed one night, "I'll tell Hayden once Payne's born. Then he'll have to love me forever."_

_But even if she didn't have Payne, she had a soul mate in Hayden. And that first night they spent together Christmas Eve of 1960, she'd told him everything._

_His jaw grew taught in anger as she told of her past, but he stayed silent until she had finished talking._

_Then he did the most curious thing... _

_He got up. Dimmed the lights. Cut on the fire. Sat beside her. He reached out and gently took off her shirt. He kissed her again and again and again, covering every inch of skin, wishing he could take back the scars. _

_His kisses were magic, healing every single wound._

_Xxxxxxxx_


	7. Chapter 7

The following morning, Julia's arm wasn't throbbing nearly as painfully, and her head was beginning to clear. She still refused to let any of her friends see her. In truth, she hoped they wouldn't see her at all. There was nothing Julia wanted more than to be released from this hellhole so she could dash home and lock herself away again before anyone had a chance to see her.

The doctor had ordered a feeding tube, but Julia flatly refused that too. She had started to eat her food slowly and carefully, and when the nurses left or turned their back she'd spit it all in the bedpan tucked discretely beside her.

Her weight was 113. Only two pounds gained, but that was two pounds too many for Julia.

She climbed out of bed and tiptoed to the bathroom. Behind the door was a full length mirror. Julia carefully removed her nightdress and stared at her naked body. Therapists and experts called this "body checking," this religious and obsessive need to look at oneself to make sure no weight has been gained.

Whatever it was, Julia inspected her body this way and that. Her hipbones stuck out and her ribs looked like a perfectly carved anatomical model. Her collarbones were prominent and deep, and her cheekbones, already angular, were even more so now.

Content with her figure, she went back into her room and lay down on the bed.

The clock showed 6:52. The doctors should be making their rounds soon. Her graceful fingers traced patterns on the bandages that resided on her thin arms. They itched like hell, and she found herself wishing the nurses would hurry up and change them.

Xxxxxxxxx

"Mrs. Sugarbaker," the doctor on call entered her room. Julia assessed him in about two seconds. He was there but he wasn't… seeing but not seeing at all. Her favorite kind of doctor. Her eyes searched his nametag.

"Dr. Anderson," she smiled and sat up.

"How are you feeling?" Deadpan.

"Oh, I'm just feelin' fine, thank you. Quite ready to go home, actually."

The doctor grunted. "Eat anything?"

"Yes! I had all of my breakfast this mornin'!" She waved her hand over the empty tray but he barely looked.

"Alright. I'll leave the discharge papers up front."

He spun on his heel and left. Julia didn't know her true feelings on this. Right now she was thrilled, but she wondered how many patients were exactly like her- planning their next attempt.

But now was not the time for moral dilemmas. Julia buzzed the nurse and began gathering her few little items into the small cosmetics case Suzanne was nice enough to pack.

The nurse arrived in about fifteen minutes and methodically began unhooking Julia's various tubes and IVs.

"You shouldn't be going," she said quietly.

"I beg your pardon?"

The nurse turned her sad, gray eyes towards her patient. "You shouldn't be discharged. Not in my opinion."

Immediately Julia felt her anger rising. "Well thankfully they didn't ask for your opinion, did they?"

"No ma'am, they didn't."

When the tubes were gone Julia made a big show of rubbing her arms. As she pulled herself out of the bed, she realized she didn't have any clothes. Embarrassed, she wrapped her slender arms around her frame and tried to think of a way to find clothes for home. It suddenly hit her that she was also without a car.

"You might want these," the nurse said coldly and dropped a small bag on her bed. "I washed your clothes for you and your sister brought your car. You're welcome." She turned to walk out.

"Wait!" Julia called. "I… I'm sorry… Thank you for this."

The older nurse shrugged. "Still don't think you should leave."

"Why?" Julia asked. "I'm miserable here! I don't want to be here; I can't get well here!"

"No, but do you really think you'll be better at home? Alone? At least you're held accountable here! At least you're monitored!"

Julia felt tears push at her eyes and she tried to turn away.

"Mrs. Sugarbaker, I don't say this to make it worse. I'm saying this because I know your loveliness and I can see it disappearing faster than you know."

She reached into the bag and handed Julia the freshly washed clothes. "Just be careful."

And with that she turned on her heel and was gone.

Julia hugged the clothes to her chest and made her way to the bathroom. Locking the door behind her, she carefully took off the flimsy gown. Her leg was no longer bandaged, and the cuts were now completely closed up.

_Not for long…_ a voice in her head whispered. She tried to ignore it.

The pants were thankfully spandex so they didn't completely fall off her emaciated frame. The shirt, which was a medium, hung loosely over her torso. She didn't even bother putting on a bra. No way a 36 would even fit her anymore.

She went back into her room and grabbed the cosmetics case. Sitting on the edge of the bed, she quickly applied a small amount of mascara and lipstick, just enough so she didn't look like a walking corpse.

Slipping on her Danskos, she walked out of her room and made her way to the desk.

"Discharge papers for Julia Sugarbaker, please." She asked the receptionist. A small brunette with short hair, she looked no more than nineteen years old.

"One second," she replied. Turning in her chair, she ruffled through some paper. "Julia Grace-Anne Sugarbaker?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Alright." She pulled the file and returned to her original position. Her fingers flew over the keyboard as she entered various pieces of information. "Alright, you're with the state health plan?"

"No, ma'am, the small business plan. I own my own personal business."

"Oh, yes, I see it."

Keystrokes.

"And the bill will be sent to your place of business?"

"Yes, but that address is also the same as my home, so either one."

She nodded her head and continued typing.

"The doctor has recommended a follow up visit for next week. Would you like to make an appointment today or would you like to call in later this week?"

"Later this week will be fine," Julia said. _Like that'll happen…_ the voice whispered again.

The receptionist, Bonnie, according to the name plate, clicked again and a piece of paper spat out of the printer.

"Just sign this for me and you're free to go," she said cheerfully and handed Julia a pen.

With a quick scrawl, Julia marked the paper and handed it back.

Bonnie gave her one final paper and she was free.

On her way to the elevator, she realized she didn't know where on earth her car was actually parked. She felt around the bag for a piece of paper. Finding nothing, she reached into her pocket. In her back right there wqas aa small piece of1 2pa1per that read "Level 2, deck12 A." The writing was Charlene's.

Thankful for the note, she made her way to the second floor parking deck.

As the door slid open, she prayed she wouldn't see anyone she knew on the short hallway walk to the garage.

She wondered if her friends knew she'd been discharged. She prayed she'd have enough time to get into her house and lock all the doors before they got there.

Xxxxxxxxxx


	8. Chapter 8

Julia floored it the whole way home. It ought to have bothered her when she reached the front door and realized she had no idea how she'd gotten home. She couldn't recall one light, one street sign, or even a left turn. Nothing.

The clock glowed 7:58. It was so bright outside she knew she'd be noticed. Taking a deep breath, she grabbed her bag, shut off the car, and leaped out of the vehicle as if it were on fire. Not bothering to lock it, she bolted to the back of the house and practically slammed herself through the back door.

She noticed the middle glass panels were missing and replaced with wood. That was going to cost a pretty penny.

Unlocking the door with shaky hands, Julia whispered a silent prayer that her sister or her friends wouldn't pop around the corner. In a few seconds, the door opened and the slim woman quickly dashed in and bolted the door behind her.

Grabbing the heavy curtains, she pulled them shut, drenching the empty home into darkness.

Her entire body was shaking from exertion. The room began spinning around and she found herself growing out of breath. She made her way carefully to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator door. Pulling out a bottle of water, she let her tired listless body down to the floor.

Julia smiled dryly when her thin arms began shaking from the simple task of holding up a water bottle.

Oh boy, Julia thought. I'd forgotten this part. The weakness. Dizziness. Nausea. Vomiting... Oh god the-

And what little water and whatever else she had with her came up and she rolled to her side to avoid choking herself.

Clear, vile liquid spilled onto the floor and Julia's steely exterior came crashing down as tears flooded her face.

She was miserable. Utterly miserable. In control of nothing- not even herself. And now her lover was gone and apparently so was her sanity. She was losing her sister, abandoning her friends, and becoming estranged to her own son.

She didn't know if she'd reached the point of no return, but she knew she was damn close. It scared her, but it didn't scare her enough to make her quit.

When her throat had stopped heaving and the room decided to settle back down into its proper place, Julia gingerly raised herself to a sitting position. She felt like she'd been dragged across the state of Georgia.

She slowly sipped the water, holding it in her mouth until it was warmed to the temperature of her body and then swallowing.

Time inched by, and before she knew it she had spent nearly three hours just sitting on the floor.

She felt somewhat better, which means she felt as if she'd been dragged across only half of Georgia. Julia pulled herself up and withdrew a pair of scissors from the drawer. Lifting the tool, she snipped off the damning bracelets and bandage on her arm.

This was the first time she was alone to inspect her wounds thoroughly, and she eased herself onto the counter and flicked on the overhead light. Squinting at first, her dark eyes slowly adjusted to the harsh lighting and focused on her arm.

Ten stitches. That was it. The cut wasn't very deep, as a matter of fact. Julia really didn't think she needed stitches. On closer inspection, however, she saw that a good two inches of the incision was far deeper than the rest. Ouch.

With feather light touches, Julia ran her fingers over the wound. Tears were flowing out of her before she could even register what emotion she was feeling. The vain side of her knew that scar would be there forever, and that bothered her. She didn't want to hide away in her long sleeves the rest of her life.

She felt sad because she was just about at rock bottom. She felt lonely because she'd isolated herself from the world. She felt frustrated because she didn't succeed.

Julia didn't know if she was going to cut herself again so soon. Surely people would be looking at her even more carefully now. She wondered if there was any way to do damage control on her story. Had Suzanne told the world that her overly dramatic sister had tried unsuccessfully to off herself? Had any of her friends?

Her head throbbed at the thought of Atlanta's finest pitying her. Oh god she hated that more than anything! Pity… what a nasty thing. She didn't want anyone to feel sorry for her. What the hell good will that do? She wanted people to learn from Reese's death; she wanted people to know what they'd lost and appreciate what they have.

_But a razor down the arm is a pretty awful way to demonstrate that_, she thought to herself.

Next Julia pulled down her pants and gently removed the bandage on her leg. The cuts were now completely healed, and black little lines served as the faintest reminder of what she'd done.

She wanted to reopen those wounds so badly… she could see it in her head, she could feel the metal on her skin, she could see the blood flowing out…

But with the progression of her eating disorder came the swelling of her foolish vanity, and she wanted to be beautiful in morning, not bloody and sniveling.

Lowering herself on the floor, she breathed in deeply and straightened herself up. Opening the fridge, she pulled the trashcan to rest in front of her. With one swipe of her hand, she knocked all of the food into the metal bin.

Because after all- thin mourners the most beautiful of them all. Aren't they?

xxxxxxxxxxxx

_Mirror Mirror on the Wall,_

_Here I stand, sad but tall._

_Mirror Mirror, pound by pound,_

_My desperate screams make not a sound._

_Mirror Mirror next to me,_

_How shall my body be?_

_Mirror Mirror, tall and thin,_

_This disease is sucking me further in._

_Mirror Mirror, clear and smooth,_

_This horrid weight let me remove._

_Mirror Mirror on the Wall,_

_Who's the fairest of them all?_

_**Darling, Darling, standing there,**_

_**Only in death will thou be fair. **_

_**Darling, Darling, don't you see?**_

_**Your happiness forever belongs to me. **_

_**xxxxxxxxxxxx**_


	9. Chapter 9

Julia awoke the next morning. Her first thought was how familiar everything was- the smell… the light… the feel… She had never been more thankful to be in her own home and bed.

She sat up carefully and tried to quell the spinning sensation already present in her exhausted brain. Deep breath in, deep breath out, she kept repeating to herself.

It wasn't working.

The thin woman leaned over the bed and grabbed the small trashcan under the bedside table. She put her head at the top of the can and began throwing up anything and everything that was in her deprived stomach.

After a long night of sleep, it was mostly water and acids. Great.

When the heaving stopped and her eyes stopped blurring, Julia placed the bucket on the ground and swung her legs over the side. Taking off her shirt, she used the worn fabric as a towel to clean her face. The article of clothing promptly joined her stomach contents when she was through.

Standing up, she had a death grip on the bed. Her vertigo made the room feel like she was in one of those side-flipping airplanes she'd seen at a fair in Valdosta, Georgia.

When the spell had subsided enough for her to find her footing, Julia made her way to her bathroom.

The first thing that hit her was the smell.

Bleach.

Julia crept forward to inspect the bathtub and surrounding tiles. She didn't know what she expected- perhaps just a hint of her near-death experience. But Suzanne had apparently taken care that, for the tub and the tiles were whiter than the first winter snow. It had been bleached, re-bleached, and probably re-bleached again.

She moved to the corner to her precious chair and lit a few candles. The box that had resided underneath the seat was still there, but she doubted it held any of her treasures.

Sure enough the small box was empty. In it was a little note. Julia didn't want to read it, but curiosity demanded her to open up the tiny slip of paper.

The handwriting wasn't familiar.

She stepped on the scale as she read the letter.

_Alabaster skin glowing in the gentle evening night,_

_Brown eyes full of wonder, awe, and might._

_Her gown flows in the gentle breeze,_

_But her words were sharp and carried a sting. _

_Upon a pedestal did this woman sit,_

_A fearless leader with immeasurable wit. _

_Her court sits smiling by her side,_

_They are always with her, as constant as the tides. _

_Her heart, though strong, has been broken twice._

_The razor serves as her only deadly vice._

_As her porcelain arm bled so did her soul,_

_She couldn't go on living; her thoughts were dark and cold. _

_Was she searching for peace as she slowly slipped away?_

_The simple motive of the act was to end all the pain. _

_The empty throne now serves as a catalyst for tears, _

"_She's lost forever," they whisper. "She's not coming back, I fear."_

_A stone dropped in the water ripples and ripples out. _

_It mirrors your life; you're inspiring, no doubt. _

_I write this poem as my last, earnest plea, _

_Darling Julia, please remember that death is not the only key. _

_We all have suffered through pain and sorrow, _

_But life begins anew in the virgin hours of tomorrow. _

_Do not forget those friends that are still here, _

_We love you Julia, please wait a while; I promise the clouds will clear. _

A tear fell down Julia's face as she concluded the poem.

She almost gave in… she was almost convinced… She almost won…

But the scale below her glowed red and mean. It displayed her weight- 115.

"Shit!" She exclaimed, dropping the paper to some forgotten place in the laundry pile. "How did I gain two pounds I didn't eat anything!"?

Her heart started racing. She knew a panic attack was evident. Ripping off the remainder of her clothes, she studied her figure in the mirror. She saw nothing but fat swallowing her body whole, threatening the perfect body she had worked so hard for.

Gritting her teeth, she decided she'd show the world how perfect she could be._ They want a show? Then it's a show they'll get. _

She marched back into her room and ripped open the drawer. Grabbing the prescriptions, she yanked up the phone and dialed the pharmacy number. Her fingers were so shaky she had to redial twice.

When she finally got through, a smooth man's voice came on the line.

"Braxton's Pharmacy, the most trusted family pharmacy in Atlanta, how may I help you today?"

Julia took a deep breath. "Yes, I'd like to get some prescriptions filled."

"Wonderful! I'll transfer you over to one of our pharmacists on staff. Please hold."

_Oh yes, _Julia thought to herself. _Wonderful indeed. _

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Julia couldn't believe she'd never taken this medicine before. Adderall was a miracle drug.

She could just keep popping them in her mouth and she'd be wired and focused for hours. No sleep. She was losing the pounds like it was nothing. Just one little orange pill made all the difference in the world.

Within the first day she knew she was hooked, and she was thankful she had three outstanding prescriptions waiting to be filled. She could take them to three different pharmacies and get them strategically so that way she'd never be without them.

The first day she cleaned her entire house, top to bottom. In every corner. For eight hours. Her house smelled like magnolias and Pine-Sol. She put fresh flowers in every single vase, careful to only go outside briefly as to not be seen.

The second day she got all the paperwork and filing done that had piled up in the office. That took six hours. She had easily done all three women's work for that entire month without even blinking it seemed.

The third day Julia decided to reorganize the storeroom. That was another eight hours. The inventory was taken and all items were inspected.

She didn't even sleep at night anymore. She just stayed awake and kept working.

The fourth day she weighed in at a perfect 110.

The fifth day she decided she was ready to face her public. She got dressed in her favorite blue wrap dress. She wore a thick camisole underneath to guard against comments about her frame. She wasn't sure Charlene and Suzanne would be too fond of her prominent rib, hip, and collarbones.

But Julia was proud. She felt damn good. She was high on Adderall; she didn't need anything else.

The sixth day, a Friday, Julia called Mary Jo.

"_Hello?" _

"_Mary Jo-"_

"_JULIA! My god Julia where have you been we have been worried sick-"_

"_I'm sorry Mary Jo but this whole thing got blown out of proportion and I just needed time to breathe! My goodness, y'all act like it's not natural to grieve for a while!"_

"_I didn't… I mean…"_

"_It's fine, Mary Jo. Just please call everyone and tell them it's business as usual on Monday. All the filing is done, the entire inventory is done, and so it will be a clean slate. For all of us."_

"_Julia…"_

"_Thank you, Mary Jo. See you Monday. Bye now."_

With a click the line went dead, leaving both women wondering what the hell was about to happen.

Xxxxxxxxxx


	10. Chapter 10

The first thing that struck them was how much weight Julia had lost. She didn't look bad, not yet, but another couple of pounds and she'd look sickly. Emaciated, even.

Everyone had been quiet all morning, even Suzanne felt herself tip-toeing around her big sister. Julia seemed oblivious of the tension, or if she knew, she was keeping quiet about it.

Mary Jo didn't know exactly what it was, but something was off about her normally elegant boss. The energy seemed frantic, the pace was almost panicked… it was as if Julia was being motivated by some unseen force driving her to work at a pace that was just a bit too quick to be held for any period of time. She couldn't put a finger on what it was, but Mary Jo knew that Julia was going through more than she was letting on.

The incident at the hospital had been covered up. Suzanne had told everyone who asked that Julia had simply collapsed from exhaustion. For anyone who knew the elder sister, it was a believable story. So without any reason to doubt it, everyone had accepted it. Even Suzanne found it easier to believe that her unshakeable big sister had simply succumbed to dehydration and sleep deprivation. No way she had any sort of mental problems.

Charlene had blocked the ugly truths from her mind as well; it was her normal M.O. She had gotten a glimpse of her boss's arm when she reached for the mail, and it looked normal. No way she had taken a razor to the arm! Wouldn't she have scars or stitches or something?

Julia was working, albeit at a fast pace, but she was working nonetheless. She was returning Charlene's smiles, her hair and makeup were perfect. Perhaps a couple of days of TLC at the hospital were what she needed. Julia stayed silent about the ordeal, so would she. Things would return to normal. Eventually.

Xxxxxxx

Bernice had come over to the house earlier to see everyone. Due to the fact that she was unaware that anything had happened to Julia, Bernice's earlier comment lingered in Anthony's mind as he drove back to Sugarbaker's from taking Bernice home.

"_You need to take her into the lonely bin." Bernice said somberly._

"_Take who to the loony bin?" _

"_Julia. Her spirit is gone." _

"_Now Bernice, I'm sure she's just having a hard time…"_

"_Don't baby me, Anthony. I know what it's like to lose the love of your life and I've seen it too. That's not her. She's about one step from mumbling to herself in a white room." _

_Xxxxxx_

_Julia had stayed awake all night to prepare for her first day at work. System jittery and alert from her medicine, she meticulously applied makeup on her scars. _

_When she was satisfied, she walked over to the scale. 109. Almost perfect. She smiled to herself. _

_Julia brushed her hair and sprayed it in place. Meticulously applying her mascara and foundation, she studied herself long and hard in the unforgiving mirror in front of her._

_A mental war was raging inside her pearly skull. One part of her felt like dying and bleeding while the other wanted to be perfect and envied. She wanted to mask her breakdown with a façade of utter perfection. _

_She walked to her closet and froze before the door. Reese's clothes were still in there. _

_Julia's long fingers reached for the door and stroked the cool metal. The amphetamines roared through her system. Clenching her jaw, she threw the door open; her nose instantly picked up the scent of her dead lover. _

_With a rage fueled by drugs and grief, she yanked all of his clothes off their hangers and threw them out the door. Kicking and clawing and grinding her teeth, she maniacally gathered all the clothes in her arms and stormed down the stairs._

_With a swift kick, Julia threw open the back door, the knob hitting the side of the house with a resounding smack. _

_Glancing around, Julia located the metal trash bin that she always used for raking leaves. Julia stuffed his clothes down into the can and went back inside. Reese's Ralph Lauren oxfords and Brooks Brothers button-downs looked foreign and lost. _

_Back in the house, Julia ran to the kitchen and grabbed a box of matches. In a basket underneath the sink, she located a gas can once used for the now electric stove. _

_Hands shaking, the eldest Sugarbaker made her way back outside. She looked into the trash can. How brightly the cotton and silk shown in the moonlight, she thought to herself._

_Eyes fixed blankly ahead, Julia raised her arm and emptied the gas can onto the clothes, drenching them with the foul liquid. The can clanged against the cement as Julia released her grip. Her fingers, now eerily calm, opened the box of matches and withdrew a single stick. Sulfur invaded her skull as the match slid against the box, and a single flame illuminated the hot Georgia night. _

_Julia dropped the match and stepped back, crossing her arms over her chest, guarding the void that once held her heart._

_The flames danced, the light casting beautiful shadows against Julia's porcelain face. _

_Xxxxxxxxxx_

The royal blue Chanel suit Julia wore on her first day back to work looked perfect, but to Anthony, it looked out of place anywhere but a desk.

"Julia, why are you out here starin' at this trash can? Did I forget to empty it?"

Startled, his boss jumped a bit and turned to face him. Her face showed nothing. "Yes, as a matter of fact, it does need to be emptied." She gave an blank smile and strode back inside.

Anthony walked forward and looked down into the bin. Ashes filled the bottom and scorch marks lined the metal.

He thought it was odd, but he didn't say anything. Hell, everything about Julia Sugarbaker was odd nowadays. Shaking his head, he lifted up the bin and took it to the street.

Xxxxxxxx


End file.
